wherein there is another list of vaguely connected things

  1. i ordered 500 pounds of organic sugar this afternoon. that felt awesome. and also, i am the perfect neighbor if you ever need to borrow a cup of sugar. eh? and also, we got three new melangers (chocolate refining machines) today. 3 x awesome. jen is making coffee marshmallows that we're dipping tomorrow. that's mocha awesome. (for those of you that don't get to come to the farmers' markets, we currently have maple, mandarin orange, and meyer lemon marshmallows too... and we're brulee-ing s'mores at the market. it pays to be local!)
  2. lorenzo's hamster died today. of old age, nothing terribly traumatic, but he was pretty heartbroken. he carried her around in a special little box and kept peeking in to pet her and make sure she was still there. he'd set the box down and put his adorable little face in his hands and say 'my ginger is dead.' he (with parker's help) buried her under grammy's hibiscus plant, said goodbye, and seemed to feel a little better. it's amazing to see the range of emotions an almost three year old can have in a day.
  3. i'm enjoying parenting more lately than i have in a long time. i don't know if it has to do with the ages/phases that the kids are in, or if i'm just significantly less stressed than i have been. i suppose it's a combination of lots of things but i have more of those moments when the wind blows across me just so and i feel really deeply at peace. i love these guys and i'm really thrilled and content with my life and where it's going.
  4. i'm making an attempt to be a better mom, to praise the kids more and scold them less. i'm trying to take them swimming/parking/reading because i know they love it and other stuff can wait. i'm trying to be positive about their daddy because i want things to be good for him so things will be good for them in the long run.
  5. i talked to parker's therapist about the situation with the breakup and i feel kind of like i get a re-do because this time i am prepared for how to deal with the emotions the kids may have. that makes me feel confident because i know that no matter how hard this is for them it won't be as bad as it was 2.5 years ago when he left. they'll be okay, and when they aren't, i'm qualified to help them through it.
  6. i'm surprised at the range of emotion i'm having over this breakup. the moment i heard i got this flood of relief, okay, it isn't her, she's not going to be the one there - or not there as the case may be - for my kids as they grow up. there won't be some awkward meeting years down the line. i can stop wondering what i did. what it was about her that was so much better than me. just: sigh. i've had my moments of yes! he's getting his in the end. now he knows how it feels to be alone and hurting so badly that your body feels like it will crack in two. remember this feeling because this is what i endured, multiplied by ten extra years and two children. which quickly reminds me of how mind-bendingly terrible that felt and that honestly, i wouldn't wish that on anyone, much less the father of my children. and then...i'm back to relief that maybe things will be kinder and different and oh oh oh i can hope that he'll meet someone nice who will think that it's awesome that we can celebrate the kids' birthdays together in a friendly and supportive way. (btw, thank you A for genuinely inviting d, me, and the kids to d2's party, for being happy that p & 'renz had fun, and for hugging me tightly when we left. honestly, thank you. it's given me the courage to hope for that for my kids too.) but yeah, lest you think i'm being a martyr, i have those crazy karma's a bitch isn't it?! moments too. but they're fleeting...
  7. updated at 11.42PM to add that while looking for an old picture of lorenzo i delved back into the blog archives. boy did 2007 suck it big time or what? er, until ya know, mid-octoberish. ;0)

celeste is

realizing that this breakup is likely going to create some turmoil and setbacks in miss p's life. thankfully she wasn't close to miss bk but it's another person disappearing from her life without warning. it's her dad in another new house (i'm guessing). a seemingly very depressed and heartbroken daddy. gah.

i haven't told the kids and r asked me to let him tell them this sunday when he sees them. but tonight when i was tucking parker in i asked her 'who is your best family?' like i do every night (after who is my best girl?) and she said 'mama, d, 'renzo, d2, grammy debbie, auntie heather, auntie amanda, papa vince, daddy, miss bk.' she's never said miss bk before and i think she knows that something's up. very clingy this week, especially with d.

the one where my creativity runs out but my luck is just beginning

  • we got a fourth market. holy crap. we're blowin' up. see left panel for newest info. we're excited about this cambrian market because it's typically a great one during the summer. and it's a great time slot.
  • got tax return today...almost out of debt. :D
  • watched the farrah fawcett special last week. hadn't really followed her story per se but was very touched by it, to the point of bawling my eyes out. as a cancer survivor, i found it moving and honest. apparently there have been lots of critics saying that she should have addressed a broader health topic. stfu. the cancer i had is very rare (only 8000 new cases a year) and i appreciate someone bringing attention to a 'less popular' cancer (especially one that people are embarrassed to talk about). while i appreciate any and all cancer research, it gets a bit frustrating at times to realize that many (very deadly) cancers are sort of ignored. the 'pink' campaign has been HUGELY successful...but why are there so few others? anyway, loved the documentary. watch it if you get the chance.
  • talked to r/bk this afternoon. he and miss bk broke up over the weekend. i don't know any details (and wouldn't share them here if i did) but i imagine he's hurting quite badly. a part of me is (genuinely) very sad for him because i know just how awful these things can be. another part of me is desperately hoping that is just the thing that needed to happen to bring him closer to the kids again. so let me put this out there to the universe: i want him to find happiness within himself, his children, his relationships. i want him to find balance and peace and success. i want him to become the kick ass dad i believe he's capable of being. if he decides to repartner at some point (i can't imagine he won't), i want him to find someone who loves our kids and wants them around. i want this to be a turning point for him and our family, seperate but joined. let me make it (frusteratingly?) clear: i'm taking no pleasure in his hurt. i feel on some level that i should be, but honestly i'm just sad. his pain can't possibly erase my past hurt.

seriously, pinch me

we got good news this morning. s&b has been accepted to the (very popular) downtown san jose farmers' market at san pedro square. this market has been closed to new vendors for two years. they liked us/the product enough that they're making room for us. :)

wherein there are opposing forces

  • ridiculously late child support, still not in hand, after several days of excuses and snippy attitude
  • bk giving my mom flower's for mother's day and ignoring me completely *scratches head*
  • promises to take care of things (insurance claims, help with the kids) still unfulfilled after friendly reminders for the past several weeks
  • bk telling the kids that it's not good to eat meat because the farmers are mean, even though he knows i buy organic free range, etc. and knows i will not be raising the kids as vegans
  • lots of work and very little sleep

but

  • completely unexpected and romantic gesture by d for mother's day - seriously
  • a giant tax refund that will get me completely out of debt
  • work i look forward to every day
  • parker telling me that she could see the 'antlers' moving on the dead ants in her ant farm
  • parker telling me about a boy at preschool pushing her and then telling her that he thought she was cute, me explaining that sometimes boys do that when they like a girl, and parker wondering if d pushed me when we first met
  • last night's episode of house that had a successful twist
  • annie duke losing to joan rivers on celebrity apprentice
  • selling out of chocolate in two days
  • noni making homemade gnocchi at my request
  • negotiating and selling my first wedding to a really nice young couple (truffles for 200 people)
  • d making me feel exceptionally safe, well taken care of, secure, sexy, and optimistic every day
  • being able to afford to have a maid once every two weeks
  • seeing lorenzo dance around in a black balet leotard and a bright blue cheerleading skirt
  • really awesome organic free-range sausage traded for a chocolate bar on sunday and parker saying, 'yeah, i think i'm going to keep eating this stuff!' after i reminded her that it's HER decision
  • d cleaning up the kitchen after dinner tonight

wherein s&b takes on a life of its own

friday night ben, my dad and i drove up to paradise, california for the chocolate festival. it was a small festival but we killed it. same for yesterday at the market. our previously huge inventory is so low that we're having to skip tomorrow's market in order to catch up. we can't believe it. this is all unbelievable. we're picking up a third market (tba next week) and *drumroll* we've taken on a fourth (and final) partner. jen, who has been a making our organic marshmallows, is now part of the team and we are SO SO SO excited to have her. i'll be talking more about her in the upcoming weeks too. in any case, the business has grown so much in the past month or two that the three of us have been unable to keep up. we're getting tons of repeat business at the markets and new (and hooked) customers every time we're out there. if someone had told me a year ago that we'd be here now i would have said 'no freakin' way.' :D