impromptu

what i'm reading: the kin of ata are waiting for you by dorothy bryant - bizarre (has anyone else read this?) this is a very fast read, enjoyable but completely uncomfortable at the same time. it has a pervasive creepiness about it that's hard to describe, or shake.







what i'm listening to: third eye blind LIVE and FREE at music in the park tomorrow- flashback (who's coming? taking the train from my house so we don't have to deal with parking. m'kay?) this band, and just a handful of others, definitively sums up my high school years. i can't separate their sound from that time, all the heady emotions of a teenager.


what i'm drinking: wyder's pear cider - yum! bubbly? check. fruity? check. alcoholic? check. it's beer for girls who don't like beer...and apparently beer for girls who also do like beer. went nicely with the medium rare cheeseburger (over a bed of lettuce with sprouts, carrot curls, sauteed onions, tomatoes, and avocado) and sweet potato fries i had at the counter last night. just fyi.






5 funny websites i'm reading:

blurrr

scrambling busy. kids are out of school. d2 left yesterday for southern california with his mama and grandparents. he will be spending the school year down there but we're hoping to have him for long breaks and d (and the kids and i at times) will be going down there for visits too.

things with bk have continued to be stable. i received my c/s in full and three days EARLY last week and i just about fell over. he's being generally more friendly, considerate, and interested in the kids than he had been. all good things. that said, i'm realizing that the boundaries that seemed to be in place must have been in large part from miss bk and her discomfort (?) with me having a coparenting relationship with bk. things are as confusingly casual as they were before, and while he hasn't walked in on me in the bath lately (over 2.5 years!), he came up behind me and squeezed my shoulders. i turned, fully expecting d to be standing behind me, and just about jumped out of my skin because it felt, on a gut level, so innapropriate.

s&b is crazy, out of its mind (and yes it is its own entity now) busy. dad and ben and i spent about 6 hours down at the kitchen replenishing some of our inventory. we've yet to be able to get ahead because regardless of what we bring to the markets, we sell out of things that people just have to have. i can't even manage to stay ahead of our raw ingredients. seriously, in what wonky universe does little old s&b have need for 500 pounds of sugar, 70 pounds of cocoa butter, 5 gallons of agave, and hundreds upon hundreds of pounds of cacao beans (we've devolved from liquor to nibs to beans and finally to unpeeled beans that ben (very slowly) has been hand peeling)?

he tasted like cigarettes

i.
reclining, he says we are tuning forks
hushes me, shhh don't spoil it
stop the complementary reverberating
of our dissimilar pitches

ah yes

ah yes, there it is. still. just beneath the anger. the throbbing rush of pain. for reasons i cannot explain getting along (as in, we are) is harder than i thought it would be. i certainly can't move backwards and i'm a bit too gunshy to move forwards without trepidation. i remember why we were always such good friends, better friends than lovers. i remember how easy he used to be to trust, how that trust was so natural that it extended to everyone around me. i'm sad that sometimes i keep quiet when i should probably speak up. that i can't remember the things i was fighting so hard against. that given a do over, it would unravel all over again.

and to be clear, i'm not looking for a do over. things happen how they happen. i'm just surprised by how much it still hurts after all this time.