still reading

_the grass harp_

so little, once it has changed, changes back: the world knew us: we would never be warm again: i let go, saw winter coming toward a cold tree, cried, cried, came apart like a rain-rotted rag. (p 60)

'i was that sorry for him and loved him more than a tongue can tell.' (p 74)

'but a man who doesn't dream is like a man who doesn't sweat: he stores up a lot of poison.' (p83)

r called at 7.20 last night. he was hung-over when he got here this morning and left at 1.30.

i spent 5 hours in urgent care getting 2liters of IV fluids for dehydration.

feeling done...again

so we got home yesterday and after having not slept well since the middle of the week i was feeling jet-lagged and a bit queasy. then, r didn't call to say goodnight to parker until 8.45. when i pointed this out he got really defensive. we got into it over the phone and he was generally a big jerk to me saying that i took the kids away from him...what little time he actually has with them. i didn't point out to him that he's had as much time with them as he's desired and that's been really very little. so anyway. miss p had croup, 'renzo has had a fever since friday and i was starting to feel shitty by the time i talked to him. i asked him to come over earlier and he starting yelling that he "works all the fucking time" and didn't i think he was tired. i didn't tell him that MY job has no breaks, even at night.

i ate dinner here at the house with my mom here at the house and started to feel super sick to my stomach. i wound up calling her at midnight after i'd vomited with a screaming 'renzo on the bathroom floor. i was up all night with the flu, barfing and diarrhea. i called r at 12am, 2am, 6am, and 8.30am. he wouldn't answer his phone. he claims to have turned it off. austin wound up coming over to help me today. r came over but was pissy with me and the kids, completely unsympathetic to me being really sick and passing me the baby every chance he got (despite the fact that i couldn't even sit up in bed). i asked if he could stay and help me during the night tonight and he said no, his friends were throwing him a birthday party. tomorrow? well, he's going to a costume party after work for a friend. sorry.

riiight

he claims to have called three times last night. he didn't leave a message. somehow caleb managed to get through to me.

also. i asked him to deposit his paycheck last saturday. he didn't. i texted him on wednesday night. he said he'd do it thursday. he didn't. today he gave me some bullshit story about leaving the check in his mom's car and her being in san franscisco and blahblahblah whatever.

birth * delight * honesty

(from those cute little cards the elisa keeps on her computer desk)

speaking of birth, i had just started my doula training when r left me. i never mentioned it on here for some reason. needless to say, that's on hold for a while like so many other things.

g*d has a sense of humour

i did say it was easier to be mad. i was feeling hurt and sad all day and then guess what? HE DIDN'T CALL. finally at 8.15 i texted him and told him not to bother. why is he fucking up like this? doesn't he love these kids?

list the first

1) is it possible to forgive r? does he deserve my forgiveness? is forgiveness mine to give?both my dad and austin have mentioned karma & other spiritual kicks in the ass. if only that gave me more peace. i guess it would help if i stopped loving him.

2) lorenzo crawled up the stairs for the first time on tuesday! need i remind everyone that he's only SIX months old?

3) r missed it. he also missed the first time lorenzo sat up. the first time he tried solid food. the first time he pulled up on the couch. he's just about to miss his first steps.

4) lorenzo lights up & reaches out his arms for my dad when he sees him. thankfully he does this for me too so i can just be happy for us both. ;o)

5) parker has started asking my dad to hold her when she hurts herself. thankfully, since this happens about 93 billion times a day there is plenty to go around. plus she gives me lovely cuddles and conversation before bed.

6) also, not r.

7) it's a balmy 45 degrees today in port townsend. brrr. what else is new? that said, there's a beautiful view of the snow covered mountains not so far off in the left. (have i mentioned i have no idea which direction north is? ever.) it really is lovely here. if only it were warmer. i guess i'm a california sissy afterall.

8) i'm really freaking tired. when will i be less tired? never? what?! don't say that!

9) "you can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." -joseph goldstein surfing? yes please! it's been too long. austin you out there?

10) i am not a selfish person. i am not a taker. no matter what he tells me. i'm not.