too good to be true

bk came yesterday to pick up the kids at 11.20 (20 minutes late). parker didn't want to go but i helped her into her carseat. she cried, but wasn't hysterical so i sent them on their way. he gave me to "ok" sign as they drove away. about 15 minutes later i got a call saying that the kids were "having a hard time" and he didn't know what to do. i was on my way up to my grandparents house to pick up my car so i told him i'd call him on my way back.

at my request, i wound up meeting them at a sandwich place (as opposed to home) about an hour later. the kids hadn't been fed anything other than jamba juice (again, what's with that?). he bought me a sandwich and the kids a half sandwich and cup of soup. it was the first time i'd seen him interact with them in several months. it was awkward at best. he deals with them like he did when he left, like they are 2.5 and 6 months. he's very fussy about things (letting them feed themselves, accidentally spilled water, p getting down on the ground to pick something up). he was always the more laid back one and it made me sad to see him so uptight about normal kid stuff.

he stayed with us while we ate (though he didn't partake) but he was gone by 1.30 (supposed to keep them until 4) after handing off two eye-witness books to parker (which i can only assume were her easter presents) and nothing for lorenzo...

the upside of all this was that the kids got to come with me to see d2 play his first soccer game. i'm officially a weekend-bonus-soccer-mom. :D it was thrilling to cheer for him and his team with d and d2's mom (a). i hadn't seen a since high school and she was very friendly and non-threatening with me, which i totally appreciated. i think this is how it is supposed to be.

tender years

teach your children well,
their father's hell did slowly go by,
and feed them on your dreams
the one they picked, the one you'll know by.

so much of the last year (and more) has been spent getting by and getting to the next big thing. and i feel like in many ways i missed out on parker's 3 year-old year and much of lorenzo's first year. i'm making a point during the day to slow things down and appreciate them. yesterday parker and i made a book (i'll scan it in, it's so friggin' cute). she drew the pictures and dictated the words for me to write. we had a blast. it's incredible the creativity that comes out of these little beasts. today we took a walk up the trail to the perc ponds. 'renz chased canadian geese that are bigger than he is (and stepped in their huge droppings, lovely). parker collected "cool rocks" and other various quasi-nature finds. it was a really beautiful day and i enjoyed just being with them. *le sigh*

speaking of really incredible kids...i recorded a documentary on hbo called autism: the musical. it "follows five autistic children [including stephen stills's son wyatt (of crosby stills nash & young)] as they work together to create and perform a live musical production." wow. i was bawling my eyes out through parts of it. you can stream it here and i highly recommend that you do.

go hug your kids and tell them you love them. :) (or your pet or your partner or your friend or yourself...)

thanks emmy & andy


okay, so how cool is it to find harry and david organic star ruby grapefruit on your doorstep? really cool. emmy and andy got me a 3 month membership to the fruit of the month club and i am beyond thrilled. we are excited about the pineapples and mangoes we'll be getting in the next two months! :D

nicely played

bk showed up relatively close to on time to pick up the kids. he fed them, didn't let p watch tv (as she'd lost the privilege earlier in the day), and took them to story time at the library, like i requested. the kids were a bit hyper when they got home and lorenzo's diaper was bursting at the seams but other than that they seemed to be in good shape.

i ironed, watched the new tv, and went and grabbed some indian food with b. boy does two and a half hours go quick...

purgatorio

my grandfather was born in san vito lo capo, sicily. this place is the closest place to paradise i've ever been. partly because i felt at home there. partly because of its proximity to the ocean. partly because of the incredible food and kind people and slow pace of life. anyway, in order to get there from palermo you have to go through a town called purgatorio. it's an aptly named place: ugly and dry and suspended between someplace worse and someplace substantially better. it feels like a place marker or a holding ground.

it feels very much like the space that i'm in now. it feels like i've been here forever and will be here forever. things get slightly better or slightly worse but never really change. i want so badly for it to be over, in whatever sense.

and glory

ah yes, the traditional easter argument... bk called to wish p a happy easter (2.30ish) and when she got on the phone with him she asked "why do you cancel all the time daddy?" this went on for 5 minutes and she handed the phone back to me. "what the hell was that about? there is no way a four year old comes up with that on her own? i don't cancel all the time." it took me 15 minutes to calm him down. i did not put her up to that. yes "cancel" is my word. is there another word you'd prefer i use instead? can you call and tell her when you're cancelling so i don't always have to be the bad guy? i don't make disparaging remarks about you to the kids. don't you think i would benefit from you having a good relationship with them? don't you think i need a break once in a while?

i found myself feeling guilty for something i didn't even do. let me make it plainly clear here. i have no intention of cutting him out of the kids lives (unless he becomes a danger to them or something). while it is nice to fantasize about having all the financial security and none of the interaction with him, i do believe the kids should have a relationship with him in the capacity he is capable of. if at some point they decide it isn't worth it, that's their decision.

oh yeah, and then he cancelled for tuesday.