the dreaded wait and watch

there are cell changes that don't indicate an immediate need to do anything (for six months). *le sigh* this is the answer (among others) i wasn't hoping for (though certainly much better news than some). nothing definitive and therefore no clear plan of action (A: there are no changes and therefore nothing to do. B: these are the changes which require these actions). gah. in any case, i'm taking my oncologist's advice and being a squeaky wheel. i can expect another call from my ob/gyn by thursday as it was the PA that called me and apparently she hadn't reminded him that i have a history of cancer and am not concerned about future fertility. she did admit that in the past, treatment was aggressive and contributed to issues with women carrying babies. oy. just remove the damn cells. i care about the kids i have not the kids i'm not planning to have in the future.

between the wish and the thing

no word from the ob/gyn yet this week (not surprised) but i did talk to my oncologist who took me very seriously and told me to be the squeaky wheel if i need to be. he said that if the cells are pre-cancerous (dysplasia) he'll refer me to a geneticist who can look for certain markers. if the cells are cancerous he'll refer me to a different oncologist (i was treated at the children's' hospital at stanford where the doctors don't typically see reproductive cancers).

i'm floaty and out of it and sleeping as much as possible and concentrating on as little as possible. i'm dreaming vividly and short of temper. more tomorrow.



haven't i seen you somewhere before?

i had my appointment with my ob/gyn yesterday. i was prepared for a colposcopy but as it turned out, once she applied the vinegar, the doctor could see a ring of abnormal cells (all the way around my cervix) without even using the microscope. she wound up taking four total biopsies (at 12, 3, 6, and 9 o'clock) from my cervix. for once i suppose i was expecting the best - a false positive on the pap or a true positive with no abnormal growth - and now i'm in the position of waiting a week or so for lab results.

this feels dramatically different than anything (health/cancer related) that i've been through before because now i have these two incredible (and incredibly tiny) little ones completely reliant on me. i found myself in bed last night not thinking about how i'd keep up with missed schoolwork, but how my kids would be taken care of if something happened to me (for the record i'd want my parents to raise them and d to stay a large part of their lives). nonetheless, i remain unfazed by worst case scenarios in terms of removing body parts (ie a hysterectomy), chemo and/or radiation but feel more urgently a desire to survive than i did at 17. (let me be clear, i know no more than i've stated above...this is certainly a worst case, not PRE-cancerous but cancerous scenario i'm outlining.)

the t.m.i. post

had an annual checkup at my ob/gyn (told you it was tmi) and received word last week that i have some 'abnormal' cells on my cervix. the cells fall into the 'high risk' category (for cervical cancer) but i won't know just how abnormal they are until after my followup appointment on thursday. in any case, think good thoughts for me.

we gots a review ya'll!!! in a real newspaper!!!

Admittedly, I am a chocoholic. I love all types of Chocolate; Milk, Dark or White Chocolate. I have a preference to Dark Chocolate, but all types will give me a "fix". With Chocolate on the mind, I stopped at the newest addition to the Saturday West Santa Cruz Farmer's Market, Snake & Butterfly Chocolates.

Snake & Butterfly don't offer your usual array of Milk Chocolates. They simply offer Dark Chocolate Truffles and Raw Chocolates. Their "Raw Bars" are not diluted with milk and refined sugar, instead they add Agave Syrup (a liquid sweetener) which leaves the chocolate with a under-cooked brownie texture. These bricks of "Raw" chocolate can be from any region or with the addition of dried cherries.

The other chocolates are both flavored or plain bars, and have the consistency of the usual commercial chocolates. The "plain" chocolates are labeled by their region while the flavored chocolates are from all corners of the world, including Thai Chili and Cherries and Chili. All of their chocolates are Organic and the booths welcome visitors to taste the differences in the chocolate regions. Like coffee, the basic flavor of the chocolates change from location to location.

Their prices aren't the cheapest, but they are decent considering the other Organic Chocolate companies routinely charge $3.59 for a 3 oz bar or more, while Snake & Butterfly charge $5.00 for 2.5 oz bars. Yes, they are more expensive but you can happily shell out the extra for a local company (located in Campbell). You can order online from their website (www.snakeandbutterfly.com) or visit them at a Farmer's Market either in West Santa Cruz or Campbell. All in all, the chocolate is great and the people are friendly, I'll pay the extra money any day.
linkydinky