three years since

seems a lifetime ago, an impossibility, that three years (and two days) ago 'the bad thing' happened. i can put myself back in that moment but it's gotten harder to do, and there's less reason to do it now. this un-iversary was more of an 'ah, it's november 26th, is it?' than a moment of panic and realization. i still don't know why he left, if it was worth it to him, and what he sees as the future for himself and his kids. things over the last several months have been predictably up and down. he's putting the kids to bed at our house on most wednesday nights so that d and i can play tennis and have a date and taking them while i work on sundays at the market. that said, c/s is generally late, predictably so...two or three days, never more than four. he invites me to dinner with them, the four of us, like a family, but i almost always decline because it feels somehow incestuous, though it probably means nothing. right? we were never that family, a family of three and mr. baby some sort of tipping point.

i teared up a bit on thanksgiving up at nanny's house as we went around the table and said what we were thankful for. parker for 'mama,' lorenzo for 'd2', d for me and me 'for second chances.' i'm thankful this year for my children, three (one more than planned!). i'm thankful for the man sharing parenting and homelife with me, the boredom and joy of domesticity. i'm thankful for my business, most especially my partners: ben and dad and jen. i'm thankful for my family and my friends and this fantastic (hardwood floored) home. i'm thankful to find myself happy again, whole and not afraid after all this time.

'stay for a while while our leaves are still green'

Oh, it was the first time I fell in love / the first time I felt my heart / it was the first time I sang out loud all through the night / but before I knew I was prisoner / and I still can't find a way to make it right lost, / before I knew I was a prisoner

-bb

this is mostly a joyful, productive, and generally lovey-dovey time in my life. i have lots and lots to say about my beautiful children, my booming business, my new obsession with tennis (!), and so on and so forth but for now, gratitude upon gratitude for the challenge and contentedness that is d. this has become quickly (2+ years already?) domestic, oddly marriage-like but more personal-growth-y and with better sex. step-parenting is hard. and co-parenting is hard. and christmas apart is hard. but yes, yes this the happiness of knowing you're doing something fucking difficult that's totally worth it. this is a man who is perpetually disgruntled, steadfast in his manhood, able to set me into motion when i'm settled into my stillness, and excessively layered. this is me, realizing that no one ever really changes (despite pushing and molding and passive-aggressive withholding) and falling asleep smiling in spite of it.

october, good riddance

basically, october sucked. the kids were sick with swine flu for what seemed like forever and we were either locked up in the house or at the doctor the whole time. i missed my market days and the kids were out of school for two weeks each.

as evidenced by my last post, norton passed away on october 30th. dad and i went up to paradise (the day before) and were there to support my aunt. i was blessed to be in the room when he died (peacefully and surrounded by family). it was an interesting and cathartic experience (which i'll detail later in the week).

the passing

yes, it sucks

but not any more than any lingering cold/flu/virus/bacterial infection that a household might all have at the same time. lorenzo's fever broke last night and he seems to be on the mend. parker is still running a fever of about 101. d and i haven't gotten it yet, at least nothing full blown though it's hard to tell if we're coming down with flu or just beat from taking care of kids and not leaving the house in 72+ hours. aaarghhh!

swine-dled

kids have the swine flu...pardon: h1n1. they're miserable and have been put on tamiflu (rather hard to track down as it turns out...). here's some pics in the meantime.

update: decided against the tamiflu after doing a little reading.

call me squeaky fromme...er, nevermind

Celeste,

I spoke with Dr. R and he is supportive of your oncologist's advise to perform a LEEP procedure. Normally, it is appropriate to wait 6 months with a biopsy of LSIL (low grade intraepithelial lesion) to repeat the Pap smear, but, in your case, with family history and your own medical history, treatment with a LEEP (loop electrosurgical excision procedure) makes sense. LEEPs are done in this office. I spoke with Dr. S whom you met and he could do this for you here. If you would like, you can call the office and make an appointment with him. The doctors use a local anesthetic so it's not necessary to take Motrin in advance.

Please let me know if you have any other questions.

love it! they took me seriously! :D