thursday 13: week 2, a day late

thirteen things i want in my 28th year

1) a wonderful evening with my friends in san francisco tomorrow. this should be doable as we're heading up there in the afternoon and spending the night in my favorite city.

2) financial stability.

3) prosperity for snake & butterfly. sometimes i look at ben and say 'can you believe this is the same thing we set out to do almost three years ago?' it's unfathomable to me how far we've come. there are few other things in my life that i'm so proud of.

4) to start surfing, scuba diving and wakeboarding again. i love water sports. i'm very comfortable in the water but i've put off these hobbies (some of my only) since the kids were born. no more!

5) to go back to sicily.

6) to be a better mom. which isn't to say that i think i'm not a good mom. i am and i'm getting better. i want to keep getting better, be more patient, enjoy myself more.

7) new clothes. after purging so much out of this house in the past year i'm in need of a little replenishing. since money is tight i'm shopping in little bits and only buying things that i really like and that will last.

8) to stand up for myself to bk when it's appropriate. i roll over way too often in hopes of avoiding a conflict

9) to buy 75% of our groceries at the farmers' market.

10) to read more. the kindle is helping but i'd like to read every single day.

11) to see my faraway-ish friends and family more often. virtually everyone i know lives on the west coast. this shouldn't be hard; i just need to make the effort.

12) a bike!

13) good health.

an explanation of why i'm stupid

namely, because despite evidence to the contrary, i believe things with bk will change eventually. things have gone to shit again. or maybe have stayed shit? he's continued to work the bar scene along with his day job and it's continued to wreak havoc on visitation. originally, way back when, we talked about having a somewhat traditional schedule (he takes them every other weekend) but his job has made that impossible (we've done three one-night overnights in three years). for the past several months he's been taking them on wednesday nights (at our house) from 5:30 pm until d and i get home from our date night (the kids go to bed at 7 pm) and sunday mornings when i'm working the market (from 9 until around 2) but i've been informed that sundays won't work anymore because he'll be tired from working late the night before (i can fucking tell you ALL about tired). which leaves one night of visitation wherein the kids are awake for an hour and a half. what the what? this coupled with the fact that child support has been consistently late and/or 'light' is starting to grate on my last nerves. i've come to the very close to insanely screaming at him that he's an asshole and a loser and a burden, rather than a help but i don't want to believe that he is. and that's stupid.

i feel stuck because i'd like to be working more than i am; the business is so goddamn busy right now. but in order to do that i either need some help watching the kids (preferably during relatively normal working hours) or some money to put 'renzo in more preschool or pay a sitter. neither seems like a real possibility.

sick-o

'renzo started complaining of ear pain this afternoon so i took him to urgent care. we waited for almost two hours (him with a 102 degree fever) and he was diagnosed with an ear infection and bronchitis. as always, he was cooperative and in good spirits even during a 15 minute nebulizer treatment. poor guy is on two prescriptions, the first two of his life. :(