where the hell is time going?

mainly to children and chocolate and health-ifying men i suppose. i don't think i've even been this busy in my entire life. between two days in parker's classroom, four days in the kitchen, one day at the market and a meeting or two i am so flipping exhausted. oh yeah, i'm grading papers too. why? WHY?!

s&b has doubled its wholesale accounts in the last month or two and is suffering only minor growing pains. we're hopefully signing the lease on the store front sometime in the next week. we're redoing the website. and our packaging. and designing the store. omg. this is real. someone from sunset magazine just contacted me. we're winning awards and being recognized by name and brand and face. never in my wildest dreams.

meanwhile things are changing so quickly at home that i too am taking it "one day at a time." what a ride this is. indescribable. trying to find a good al-anon meeting and in the meantime, going to a saturday morning meeting with "the boys." so many "aha moments" i feel like i'm on oprah.

after months of grogginess i cut my anti-depressant (celexa) in half. seem to be feeling a bit better. wouldn't it be something if after 10 years i wasn't on it anymore? might try something a bit more activating. i'm still a but irritable, particularly with the kids. derp.

things with rory are...the same-ish? except the kids don't care. and i mostly don't care. and he continues to be a sort of douchey uncle figure. lorenzo has taken to calling danny "daddy" on occasion and danny, more than ever IS daddy. home life is mostly domestic and boring these days with the random flare ups of rory (for example:claiming the kids on his taxes (without my permission while we were out of the country) or paying his child support a week and a half late and not in full). i'm looking into having his wages garnished. the man owes me almost $15k for the love of god.

hello, my name is celeste and i love an alcoholic... or several

without getting into a long and sordid back story (and there always is one with me right?) let me just say that the winds of change are blowin' (sorry alabama et al). let's just say that i seem to attract alcoholic males into my very inner circle.

sidebar: rory is a drinking alcoholic (still working in bars) and has been for most of the past six or seven years. (at this point you're confused because the title has the word love in it. don't worry, i decidedly do not love him, or even hold a retrospective fondness for him). it's something that only became a problem in our marriage when he started working in restaurants, drinking heavily and cheating along the way. he's lost a couple of jobs due to drinking/stealing booze since he left. #fatheroftheyearwinning end sidebar.

in any case, i don't know why there are so many alcoholics in my life but i do know that addiction is something that i only understand in a very basic, post-psychology degree kind of way. my dad has been a smoker for most of his life, hates it and cannot - CANNOT- quit. and i desperately want him to, CANNOT understand why it is so here. additionally, there are drinkers and drys on both sides of my family but yet i, thankfully, do not seem to have inherited that genetic predisposition (mike? input?) to addiction. there's nothing in my life that i couldn't give up tomorrow. sure i might piss and moan if you took away my computer but i wouldn't go to drastic measures to get it back. so yeah, i have a hard time getting what it must be like. this has apparently not prevented me from passively enabling the alcoholics in my life. so without getting into all that, it is with great pleasure that i tell you that three very important people in my life have quit drinking and entered the "program."

/insert sigh of relief here>

my household is now dry. all of the alcohol has been carted off to rory's house (cute, right?). the wine glasses, the shot glasses, the booze and beer and wine don't live here any more. i know what the big book is. i'm slowly coming to understand the importance and nuances of meetings. we're playing board games and catch with the kids. things are better and yeah, i'm trying to let go of my fear of them failing (relapsing) and so far am totally thrilled with these grown ass men that are coming out of the woodwork. as for me and alcohol...i could take it or leave it and i'm leaving it for the long-term unforeseeable ish future. alanon anyone?

i love this <-- man to a rather disgusting degree and i intend to marry him if he ever proposes (heather?).

stream of unconciousness

wine wine wine wine wine cheese salami wine chicken in brine aztec patterns people expect that karaoke is shitty coldplay photoshop reasons unknown it don't beat the way it used to. you were in carmel all day. me? for reasons unknown.

wtf happened to me!?

i went to belize. i cut my hair. i read a few books. i got laid. i bled continuously for 90 days. i packaged thousands of chocolates. i wore lipstick. i screamed at my children (and a few of yours). i saw a terrible movie. i celebrated a 30th birthday (not mine). i fought. i threatened to turn someone into the irs. i started a new drug. i coerced someone. i sped. i pho'd. i ate shrimp. lots of them. i climbed mayan ruins. i saw a man have a spiritual awakening (and a spiritual fall-asleepening). i made women friends. i drop kicked an old business partner. i negotiated legal things. i sweated. i subjected my yard to short lived rage and inspiration. i threatened to finally bury the placenta that's in my freezer. i froze some stick bugs. i allowed a fish to die under my care. i treated a very high fever. i forgave someone. i contemplated life without lady parts. i stuck my neck out. i flirted. i texted with no pants on from my ob/gyn table. i punched someone in the gut. i asserted my distaste for dirty dishes. i gagged. i laughed when my son flipped me off. i wished you would just get drunk. i tempted you into an alley way. i corrupted my favorite catholic friend. i sat on him and cracked his back. i sang along. i teapot danced with lorenzo. i advised on married boyfriends and drunk girlfriends. i winked. i said no. i taunted. i came. i saw. i conquered. i compared my daughter to an indian monkey man with double jointed fingers. i missed a concert. i fell in love. i scared a baby. i ate your cupcake. i drank your wine. i withheld. i graded. i came into possession of a 'wtf?!' stamp. i ate lunch with a mentor. i was biopsied. i waited. i didn't care. i woke up early. i woke up very late. i made someone cry. i made someone laugh. i applied for a business license (after four years in business). i stubbed my toe. i was impressed by someone's very bad grammar. i missed someone. i swore. i asserted myself. i read your mind. i planned a fake wedding. i chose fake china. i flip-flopped. i had a ramen affair. i threatened my stepson. i listened to bad music. I CAN'T STOP.

i did not blog. apparently.

belize you me.

i will be lounging on this pool on this beach in a matter of two weeks. i haven't been on vacation since i went to sicily in 2006. dear lord. HURRY.

boobs fine, hormones wonky

MRI results are in. Boobs show nothing fascinating, or bad in any case.

Apparently my estrogen was at the high point of the month and made my fsh level hard to interpret. I had my amh (anti-mullerian hormone) levels checked on wednesday. this is a good indicator of ovarian reserve. I'm pleased to see that when facing possible early menopause my womb isn't making growling noises. I'm deep down done having babies but not too keen on the idea of an extra twenty-plus years of hormone replacement therapy until I reach a normal age of shriveling. HRT increases my already ridiculously high risk of breast cancer and has had me scouring the Internet for options. Upwards of 65% of women who were treated for hodgkin's disease face early menopause (<40), much higher depending on the study. anyway, nothing much to think about until the results are.

second mri

this time with less xanax.

apparently my boobs don't have enough fat or something. i had to re-do the mri last night. whoop! tech asked if i was post-op. erm? tell me you don't know something i don't know.

something is wonky with my hormones but cannot get them to explain exactly what. email to doc. it look like my estrogen is high. something about my fsh levels also. low on eggs? mental-pause?

ugh.

the good news, faithful readers? i write more in chaos.